**Trigger warning for those dealing with infant loss and miscarriage.
I wrote this post a while back, but never actually published it. I think because I was afraid to admit how untrusting I was with the Lord during this time. To see it written out and be vulnerable with everyone is scary. But He's such a patient God. He's been continually chiseling away at me and molding me into who He wants me to be. So here it is. Raw and real with my pregnancy after miscarriage.
Pregnancy after miscarriage is scary. It can produce anxiety that chokes out the joy of that precious life growing in the womb.
I found out I was pregnant 6 months after losing Davey (see post "His Sovereignty in My Deepest Valley"). When we lost our unexpected blessing, our desire for children was sparked, even though we initially thought we wanted to wait a few more years until having children. So after returning from a mission trip in Honduras in June 2018, Cole and I decided to trust the Lord's will and see what He had in store for us as parents.
Two short months later (by no coincidence on National Rainbow Baby Day)I was back in that hall bathroom. Where all those heartbreaking memories lie of losing Davey. But it was different this time. It was a hopeful atmosphere as I peed on a stick at 6:45am after being late that month. And there they were. . . those two perfect lines again. But this time I looked down at them and was overwhelmed with thankfulness. I was being showered in grace from my Savior. He was blessing us once again to parent a child He had created. For how long, I wasn't sure. But I was going to be thankful every step of the way.
I sat on that bathroom floor for a good 20 minutes just soaking it all in. Praising my Lord and crying tears of joy along with tears of fear and anxiety. I prayed for what seemed like an hour over the life of this child. And while in prayer, the Lord reminded me that whatever His plan for this baby, He had a plan. However long He would allow this baby to grow inside me, it was His plan. Whether this baby was inside of me for 5 weeks or 40 weeks. Whether I held them in my arms or only in my heart. He was sovereign. That hadn't changed and never will change.
Each day I kept waiting for something to happen. I kept praying for faith to trust Him more, but my human heart kept expecting to see something every time I went to the bathroom. I expected every twinge of pain to be the first sign of losing this baby. But the days went on and nothing happened. I made it to 5 weeks. And then I made it to 6 weeks. And 7 weeks. And it was time to go my first doctor appointment.
I had been praying for God to move this mountain for me. For me to be able to hear a heartbeat. See that beautiful flutter of a heart beating on the ultrasound screen and not an empty black screen.
And there went my mountain. It moved. Right in front of my eyes. Just like that perfect little flutter of my baby's heart. It was perfect. And strong. And I was overwhelmed.
Still, the worry and anxiety didn't stop there. Each week I felt like a ticking time bomb. I thought surely I wasn't going to carry this baby through the first trimester. But there went that mountain again. And I was in my second trimester. And my third trimester. Each week I was amazed at how far we had made it.
One Sunday morning my pastor preached on worry. The Lord humbled me that morning and brought me face to face with how I was letting the worry control me instead of letting Him control me. I got down on my knees and prayed for Him to replace all the worry with trust in Him, and I released it to Him. I was His and this baby was His. And whatever plan He had for both of us, He was in control. I continued to pray every day that He would help me to trust Him more and release control of things I had absolutely no control over.
Then came April 15th, 3:30am. My water broke. It was here. The Lord faithfully carried me all the way to 38weeks with a healthy baby. And now He was allowing her to come to my arms. The overwhelming joy, fear, and thankfulness was all we could think about on that drive to the hospital.
My whole pregnancy and labor and delivery process couldn't have went any smoother. Lydia Rae Limbaugh was laid on my chest, healthy and beautiful on April 15th, 2019 at 11:53am weighing 6lbs 12oz. She is perfect in every way and has been beautifully crafted by the Father's hands. And there went my mountain again. He moved every mountain according to His perfect will. Oh "me" of little faith.
I asked the Lord to work in me through the pregnancy. To grow me and mold me. And He did. He grew my trust in Him, even if it took me kicking and screaming the whole time. Looking back I can see how He so beautifully orchestrated every aspect to grow my trust and mold me into more of the image of Jesus. After all, that is the goal (Romans 8:28-29).
Pregnancy after miscarriage is a weird thing. It's an array of emotions all at once, all the time. You're filled with joy because you realize what a miracle it is to carry a healthy child. But you're filled with the doubt that you'll carry that child to full term and deliver them alive. You face the hard questions like "Is this your first?". Well, yes. But no. But do you really want to hear about my baby who didn't make it? It's difficult to navigate.
But those of us with babies in Heaven appreciate the subsequent pregnancies even more. We've been through the storm, so we bask more in the sunshine. We rejoice even in the not so fun moments of pregnancy, because we know that means this baby is growing and thriving.
I wish every mom who has a baby in Heaven had a story like mine. But I know many of you don't. And my heart aches for you. Many of you have lost baby, after baby, after baby. Many of you are dealing with a womb that feels like it's been sealed shut and you have no idea why. My mind doesn't work like the Lord's, I don't know His thoughts. But please know this, He is sovereign. Even when we don't understand why we never saw our babies faces. Or why that test is negative month after month. He is in control and is working all things for our good. Use this time to grow closer to Him. To bring Him glory, to spread His gospel. And I pray that brings you comfort. For me, it does. Because I don't want anyone else being in control of my life. Not even me. He sees the bigger picture. The whole picture. When I can only see a sliver.
He is so faithful.
Faithful in the valley of losing Davey. And faithful on the mountain top of carrying and delivering Lydia. He is my only constant. Because in this past year, my seasons have changed faster than I could have imagined. But I have a Rock. A Cornerstone. A Constant in a world of ever changing everything.
His faithfulness is my hope. Not just faithful in my carrying and delivering Lydia healthy. But that He will be faithful to work all things according to my good. Whatever my good may be to Him. Because He is good. He is true. He can't deny His character. I'm hopeful that He will be faithful to hold me. And grow me. And give me the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I hope these words bring hope to you whose story isn't working out like you've planned. Hold fast, my friend. The One who hung the stars is reaching for your hand. Let Him hold you. I pray this post didn't sting too bad. I know how bad pregnancy announcements and ultrasound and bump pictures and newborn pictures feel like your heart is being stabbed with the sharpest knife. I'm praying for you, almost every single day. Praying for your heart to be healed. For the Lord's will to be done in your life. And for Him to draw you closer to Himself throughout this time.
And to those who are pregnant after losing a baby, trust Him. Trust Him with your worry and anxiety. With your joy and excitement. Trust Him with this baby's life. It's easier said than done while we reside in this sinful flesh, but those led by the Spirit will walk by and set their minds on the Spirit (Romans 8:5-6). So we can, by the Holy Spirit, walk by faith and trust Him in moments where the world says we should be overcome by worry. Don't doubt His promises. Let Him work His perfect will in your life, whatever that may be. Baby or no baby, as hard as it is to fathom, He is all we need.
I wrote this post a while back, but never actually published it. I think because I was afraid to admit how untrusting I was with the Lord during this time. To see it written out and be vulnerable with everyone is scary. But He's such a patient God. He's been continually chiseling away at me and molding me into who He wants me to be. So here it is. Raw and real with my pregnancy after miscarriage.
Pregnancy after miscarriage is scary. It can produce anxiety that chokes out the joy of that precious life growing in the womb.
I found out I was pregnant 6 months after losing Davey (see post "His Sovereignty in My Deepest Valley"). When we lost our unexpected blessing, our desire for children was sparked, even though we initially thought we wanted to wait a few more years until having children. So after returning from a mission trip in Honduras in June 2018, Cole and I decided to trust the Lord's will and see what He had in store for us as parents.
Two short months later (by no coincidence on National Rainbow Baby Day)I was back in that hall bathroom. Where all those heartbreaking memories lie of losing Davey. But it was different this time. It was a hopeful atmosphere as I peed on a stick at 6:45am after being late that month. And there they were. . . those two perfect lines again. But this time I looked down at them and was overwhelmed with thankfulness. I was being showered in grace from my Savior. He was blessing us once again to parent a child He had created. For how long, I wasn't sure. But I was going to be thankful every step of the way.
I sat on that bathroom floor for a good 20 minutes just soaking it all in. Praising my Lord and crying tears of joy along with tears of fear and anxiety. I prayed for what seemed like an hour over the life of this child. And while in prayer, the Lord reminded me that whatever His plan for this baby, He had a plan. However long He would allow this baby to grow inside me, it was His plan. Whether this baby was inside of me for 5 weeks or 40 weeks. Whether I held them in my arms or only in my heart. He was sovereign. That hadn't changed and never will change.
Each day I kept waiting for something to happen. I kept praying for faith to trust Him more, but my human heart kept expecting to see something every time I went to the bathroom. I expected every twinge of pain to be the first sign of losing this baby. But the days went on and nothing happened. I made it to 5 weeks. And then I made it to 6 weeks. And 7 weeks. And it was time to go my first doctor appointment.
I had been praying for God to move this mountain for me. For me to be able to hear a heartbeat. See that beautiful flutter of a heart beating on the ultrasound screen and not an empty black screen.
And there went my mountain. It moved. Right in front of my eyes. Just like that perfect little flutter of my baby's heart. It was perfect. And strong. And I was overwhelmed.
Still, the worry and anxiety didn't stop there. Each week I felt like a ticking time bomb. I thought surely I wasn't going to carry this baby through the first trimester. But there went that mountain again. And I was in my second trimester. And my third trimester. Each week I was amazed at how far we had made it.
One Sunday morning my pastor preached on worry. The Lord humbled me that morning and brought me face to face with how I was letting the worry control me instead of letting Him control me. I got down on my knees and prayed for Him to replace all the worry with trust in Him, and I released it to Him. I was His and this baby was His. And whatever plan He had for both of us, He was in control. I continued to pray every day that He would help me to trust Him more and release control of things I had absolutely no control over.
Then came April 15th, 3:30am. My water broke. It was here. The Lord faithfully carried me all the way to 38weeks with a healthy baby. And now He was allowing her to come to my arms. The overwhelming joy, fear, and thankfulness was all we could think about on that drive to the hospital.
My whole pregnancy and labor and delivery process couldn't have went any smoother. Lydia Rae Limbaugh was laid on my chest, healthy and beautiful on April 15th, 2019 at 11:53am weighing 6lbs 12oz. She is perfect in every way and has been beautifully crafted by the Father's hands. And there went my mountain again. He moved every mountain according to His perfect will. Oh "me" of little faith.
I asked the Lord to work in me through the pregnancy. To grow me and mold me. And He did. He grew my trust in Him, even if it took me kicking and screaming the whole time. Looking back I can see how He so beautifully orchestrated every aspect to grow my trust and mold me into more of the image of Jesus. After all, that is the goal (Romans 8:28-29).
Pregnancy after miscarriage is a weird thing. It's an array of emotions all at once, all the time. You're filled with joy because you realize what a miracle it is to carry a healthy child. But you're filled with the doubt that you'll carry that child to full term and deliver them alive. You face the hard questions like "Is this your first?". Well, yes. But no. But do you really want to hear about my baby who didn't make it? It's difficult to navigate.
But those of us with babies in Heaven appreciate the subsequent pregnancies even more. We've been through the storm, so we bask more in the sunshine. We rejoice even in the not so fun moments of pregnancy, because we know that means this baby is growing and thriving.
I wish every mom who has a baby in Heaven had a story like mine. But I know many of you don't. And my heart aches for you. Many of you have lost baby, after baby, after baby. Many of you are dealing with a womb that feels like it's been sealed shut and you have no idea why. My mind doesn't work like the Lord's, I don't know His thoughts. But please know this, He is sovereign. Even when we don't understand why we never saw our babies faces. Or why that test is negative month after month. He is in control and is working all things for our good. Use this time to grow closer to Him. To bring Him glory, to spread His gospel. And I pray that brings you comfort. For me, it does. Because I don't want anyone else being in control of my life. Not even me. He sees the bigger picture. The whole picture. When I can only see a sliver.
He is so faithful.
Faithful in the valley of losing Davey. And faithful on the mountain top of carrying and delivering Lydia. He is my only constant. Because in this past year, my seasons have changed faster than I could have imagined. But I have a Rock. A Cornerstone. A Constant in a world of ever changing everything.
His faithfulness is my hope. Not just faithful in my carrying and delivering Lydia healthy. But that He will be faithful to work all things according to my good. Whatever my good may be to Him. Because He is good. He is true. He can't deny His character. I'm hopeful that He will be faithful to hold me. And grow me. And give me the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I hope these words bring hope to you whose story isn't working out like you've planned. Hold fast, my friend. The One who hung the stars is reaching for your hand. Let Him hold you. I pray this post didn't sting too bad. I know how bad pregnancy announcements and ultrasound and bump pictures and newborn pictures feel like your heart is being stabbed with the sharpest knife. I'm praying for you, almost every single day. Praying for your heart to be healed. For the Lord's will to be done in your life. And for Him to draw you closer to Himself throughout this time.
And to those who are pregnant after losing a baby, trust Him. Trust Him with your worry and anxiety. With your joy and excitement. Trust Him with this baby's life. It's easier said than done while we reside in this sinful flesh, but those led by the Spirit will walk by and set their minds on the Spirit (Romans 8:5-6). So we can, by the Holy Spirit, walk by faith and trust Him in moments where the world says we should be overcome by worry. Don't doubt His promises. Let Him work His perfect will in your life, whatever that may be. Baby or no baby, as hard as it is to fathom, He is all we need.
"The heavens will praise Your wonders, O Lord; Your faithfulness also in the assembly of the holy ones."
Psalm 89:5
"For the Lord is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting and His faithfulness to all generations."
Psalm 100:5
Comments
Post a Comment