Caged: To put or confine in or as if in a cage.
Today I am going to write about something that truly has molded me into the woman I am today. This is something I was "caged" in for many, many years. Most of you probably know about this story, but I am going to put it out there anyway. Am I proud of this? Absolutely NOT. Do I glamorize this? Absolutely NOT. These were some of the most difficult moments in my entire life, and I do not wish this on anyone. But I also would not trade these moments for anything. Through all of this, God was molding me. Even during the times I tried to take over control, He didn't throw me away. He just sat there patiently, continuing to mold me with every bump in the road.
From as far back as I can remember, I have been a perfectionist. I wanted everything to be perfect, everyone to be happy, and everyone to like me. I began gymnastics when I was 3 years old. It was my LIFE. I would eat, sleep and breath gymnastics. Soon just the gymnastic classes turned into competitive gymnastics. Meets at least once every month. I was not the most skilled gymnast. But I was very graceful, and the skills I was able to do, I made sure they were PERFECT. I overcompensated for my lack of skills. This was just who I was. This also applied to everything else in my life. School, church, family and friendships. I just wanted to be perfect, okay? Was that too much to ask for?
For the most part, my life had been "perfect". I was raised in church, as I have mentioned before. I have amazing parents and an awesome baby sister (who isn't a baby anymore!!! ah!!). Nothing had every truly went wrong in my life.
Well, you know what? Life is NOT perfect. And I soon found that out. In August 2005, hurricane Katrina hit. My dad, being from New Orleans, rushed down there to help out friends in need. A few weeks turned into a few months. Then he took a leave of absence from work. Then he decided to start a business in Louisiana. So we had began the process of moving to another state.
I. Freaked. Out.
I was a total control freak, and I could not control this. Finally I began to half way accept it...then things fell through and we decided to not move.
I. Freaked. Out. AGAIN.
I was so out of control. Things were not perfect. And I could not stand it.
But what could I control? The number on the scale. The amount of calories I put into my body. The amount of time I would force myself to exercise.
I can remember the first time I chose not to eat. It was like an alcoholic taking a drink for the first time. Like a drug addict taking their first hit. I had now began an addiction. I had now developed a disease. After that moment, most of it was a blur.
Within 2 years, we had hurricane Katrina and the drama of moving to LA and not moving. My grandmother died. My grandfather died. And my cousin was suddenly killed in a car accident. So much was out of my control, and I could not stand it. Not to mention the compliments I was getting about my recent weight loss.
Over the course of 3 years, I gradually declined. I continued restricting my calorie intake and continued increasing my exercise. I was losing weight rapidly, and now everyone could tell. This consumed me. Every part of me. It was all I thought about and all I cared about. I was tired all the time. My hair was falling out. I developed this thin layer of hair all over my body, which was my body's way of trying to warm me because of the lack of fat I had. I lost my menstrual cycle for 2 years. I was weak. I couldn't focus. I was miserable. I was not living, I was simply in survival mode.
At this time, I was a gymnast. A competitive cheerleader. Competing in pageants. And I was coaching gymnastics and cheerleading. I almost passed out MANY times at gymnastics and cheer practice, one time having to have my parents come get me from practice and force some nutrients into my body.
Finally, my mom took to me to my pediatrician. (at this time I was 14 years old) She diagnosed me with depression and sent me to a psychologist. That psychologist didn't work out, so I stopped going. I was going to my pediatrician every month for weigh ins.
I had gotten so bad, she could not treat me anymore. So I was sent to an outpatient treatment center at Children's Hospital. Weekly visits were now required.
The initial visit lasted 4 hours. In March of 2008, after that long day of tests and exams, I was diagnosed.
Anorexia Nervosa.
It was something that had been in the back of mind for a while, but to actually hear them say it, it was like a ton of bricks had just been thrown onto my shoulders.
I then began seeing a psychologist that I could connect with, and still absolutely love her and talk to her to this day. I was given a nutritionist. I had my medical doctor. And I was assigned to a psychiatrist so I could be prescribed medication. I am SO thankful for this team. Because of their passion and heart for eating disorder patients, I am here today. And that is something I will be forever thankful for.
To make a LONG story short, I had my ups and downs. I had many days where I would follow my meal plan to a T. And other days I completely broke down and wouldn't eat a thing but some fruit and a half a carton of yogurt. Some days I wouldn't exercise at all (which was what I was told to do!). And some days I would completely go back to my old workout routine.
These pictures were from Feb. 2008. Close to when I was at my worst.
******DISCLAIMER: Not everyone who struggles with an eating disorder has to look like this. I wrestled with that for a while. You can look perfectly healthy and still have a SERIOUS problem. Do not take these pictures to heart. They are simply to show you how sickly I looked.
Unfortunately, I lost more weight after this.
On May 6, 2008, one month after my 15th birthday, I was admitted to Children's Hospital. I was SEVERELY dehydrated. My kidneys began going into acute renal failure. I was dying.
I spent 8 long days in that hospital bed. Only being allowed to get out of bed to use the restroom and take a 5 minute shower (literally!). It was horrible. But it taught me a lot.
I was finally released from the hospital and I wish I could say everything was better from then on. But it basically got worse.
Soon, they began getting things arranged for me to go into an inpatient treatment center out of state, due to the lack of adolescent inpatient eating disorder (ED) treatment in Alabama.
God finally got through to me then. I had been running for so long. Trying to control so much for so long. I finally gave it up. I finally realized I wanted to LIVE life and not just exist in this shell of a body. I wanted to graduate high school. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to pursue a degree in the medical field to help others. I wanted to get married. And I wanted to be a mommy one day.
As you all remember from my last post, Jesus accepted me, and I (finally) gave Him the reins in Oct. 2008. Still, the struggle with my ED got worse. I started falling towards the bulimia side of ED's and began using laxatives.
Only because of Christ's grace, did I not fall too far into that trap.
I don't remember a time where I magically decided to let go of my ED (whom I named Twister). It has been a gradual process over MANY years. With a lot of perseverance, prayer, faith, love, my church family, my amazing family, and Jesus, I am here today.
You don't simply let go, or recover from an ED. It's something you live with FOREVER. But it's something you must consciously choose to not let control you. I now let my Jesus control me. I now know my worth in HIM, and Him alone.
I STILL have days where I have eating disorder thoughts. I STILL have days when I hate looking in the mirror. I will never be "recovered" from anorexia. But I have been in solid recovery for about 4 or 5 years now. And I feel so alive. I feel so free. I feel so beautiful, because my Jesus tells me I am (You are all together beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you. -Song of Solomon 4:7). I have a purpose on this earth, and I will NEVER allow another second to be consumed by ED thoughts and actions. I may stumble, I may even fall, and that's okay. But I reach right back up to my Savior and let Him put me back on my feet. I am free from anorexia. I am free from body dysmorphia. I am free from depression. I am free in CHRIST.
"So if the Son sets you FREE, you are truly FREE!" -John 8:36
I could probably keep going for days and days about this. Because this is my passion. I am committed to helping as many people as possible struggling with the same issues I have struggled with, especially eating disorders. But I will leave it at this.
Today, I am a healthy 20 year old nursing student trying to make a small impact for Christ in this big world. I eat junk food. I don't workout much anymore. I enjoy cheesecake and pizza. I can enjoy life and not be consumed with an eating disorder. And hey, I can even catch baby bass ;)
If you or someone you know is struggling with ANY type of eating disorder, feel free to talk to me. It is a SERIOUS issue and you need professional help. They can and WILL kill you. So please, email me or go to the NEDA website. Your life is worth living. Don't let an eating disorder cut it short.
my email address: krd1920@aol.com
nationaleatingdisorders.org
Today I am going to write about something that truly has molded me into the woman I am today. This is something I was "caged" in for many, many years. Most of you probably know about this story, but I am going to put it out there anyway. Am I proud of this? Absolutely NOT. Do I glamorize this? Absolutely NOT. These were some of the most difficult moments in my entire life, and I do not wish this on anyone. But I also would not trade these moments for anything. Through all of this, God was molding me. Even during the times I tried to take over control, He didn't throw me away. He just sat there patiently, continuing to mold me with every bump in the road.
From as far back as I can remember, I have been a perfectionist. I wanted everything to be perfect, everyone to be happy, and everyone to like me. I began gymnastics when I was 3 years old. It was my LIFE. I would eat, sleep and breath gymnastics. Soon just the gymnastic classes turned into competitive gymnastics. Meets at least once every month. I was not the most skilled gymnast. But I was very graceful, and the skills I was able to do, I made sure they were PERFECT. I overcompensated for my lack of skills. This was just who I was. This also applied to everything else in my life. School, church, family and friendships. I just wanted to be perfect, okay? Was that too much to ask for?
For the most part, my life had been "perfect". I was raised in church, as I have mentioned before. I have amazing parents and an awesome baby sister (who isn't a baby anymore!!! ah!!). Nothing had every truly went wrong in my life.
Well, you know what? Life is NOT perfect. And I soon found that out. In August 2005, hurricane Katrina hit. My dad, being from New Orleans, rushed down there to help out friends in need. A few weeks turned into a few months. Then he took a leave of absence from work. Then he decided to start a business in Louisiana. So we had began the process of moving to another state.
I. Freaked. Out.
I was a total control freak, and I could not control this. Finally I began to half way accept it...then things fell through and we decided to not move.
I. Freaked. Out. AGAIN.
I was so out of control. Things were not perfect. And I could not stand it.
But what could I control? The number on the scale. The amount of calories I put into my body. The amount of time I would force myself to exercise.
I can remember the first time I chose not to eat. It was like an alcoholic taking a drink for the first time. Like a drug addict taking their first hit. I had now began an addiction. I had now developed a disease. After that moment, most of it was a blur.
Within 2 years, we had hurricane Katrina and the drama of moving to LA and not moving. My grandmother died. My grandfather died. And my cousin was suddenly killed in a car accident. So much was out of my control, and I could not stand it. Not to mention the compliments I was getting about my recent weight loss.
Over the course of 3 years, I gradually declined. I continued restricting my calorie intake and continued increasing my exercise. I was losing weight rapidly, and now everyone could tell. This consumed me. Every part of me. It was all I thought about and all I cared about. I was tired all the time. My hair was falling out. I developed this thin layer of hair all over my body, which was my body's way of trying to warm me because of the lack of fat I had. I lost my menstrual cycle for 2 years. I was weak. I couldn't focus. I was miserable. I was not living, I was simply in survival mode.
At this time, I was a gymnast. A competitive cheerleader. Competing in pageants. And I was coaching gymnastics and cheerleading. I almost passed out MANY times at gymnastics and cheer practice, one time having to have my parents come get me from practice and force some nutrients into my body.
Finally, my mom took to me to my pediatrician. (at this time I was 14 years old) She diagnosed me with depression and sent me to a psychologist. That psychologist didn't work out, so I stopped going. I was going to my pediatrician every month for weigh ins.
I had gotten so bad, she could not treat me anymore. So I was sent to an outpatient treatment center at Children's Hospital. Weekly visits were now required.
The initial visit lasted 4 hours. In March of 2008, after that long day of tests and exams, I was diagnosed.
Anorexia Nervosa.
It was something that had been in the back of mind for a while, but to actually hear them say it, it was like a ton of bricks had just been thrown onto my shoulders.
I then began seeing a psychologist that I could connect with, and still absolutely love her and talk to her to this day. I was given a nutritionist. I had my medical doctor. And I was assigned to a psychiatrist so I could be prescribed medication. I am SO thankful for this team. Because of their passion and heart for eating disorder patients, I am here today. And that is something I will be forever thankful for.
To make a LONG story short, I had my ups and downs. I had many days where I would follow my meal plan to a T. And other days I completely broke down and wouldn't eat a thing but some fruit and a half a carton of yogurt. Some days I wouldn't exercise at all (which was what I was told to do!). And some days I would completely go back to my old workout routine.
These pictures were from Feb. 2008. Close to when I was at my worst.
Unfortunately, I lost more weight after this.
On May 6, 2008, one month after my 15th birthday, I was admitted to Children's Hospital. I was SEVERELY dehydrated. My kidneys began going into acute renal failure. I was dying.
I spent 8 long days in that hospital bed. Only being allowed to get out of bed to use the restroom and take a 5 minute shower (literally!). It was horrible. But it taught me a lot.
I was finally released from the hospital and I wish I could say everything was better from then on. But it basically got worse.
Soon, they began getting things arranged for me to go into an inpatient treatment center out of state, due to the lack of adolescent inpatient eating disorder (ED) treatment in Alabama.
God finally got through to me then. I had been running for so long. Trying to control so much for so long. I finally gave it up. I finally realized I wanted to LIVE life and not just exist in this shell of a body. I wanted to graduate high school. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to pursue a degree in the medical field to help others. I wanted to get married. And I wanted to be a mommy one day.
As you all remember from my last post, Jesus accepted me, and I (finally) gave Him the reins in Oct. 2008. Still, the struggle with my ED got worse. I started falling towards the bulimia side of ED's and began using laxatives.
Only because of Christ's grace, did I not fall too far into that trap.
I don't remember a time where I magically decided to let go of my ED (whom I named Twister). It has been a gradual process over MANY years. With a lot of perseverance, prayer, faith, love, my church family, my amazing family, and Jesus, I am here today.
You don't simply let go, or recover from an ED. It's something you live with FOREVER. But it's something you must consciously choose to not let control you. I now let my Jesus control me. I now know my worth in HIM, and Him alone.
I STILL have days where I have eating disorder thoughts. I STILL have days when I hate looking in the mirror. I will never be "recovered" from anorexia. But I have been in solid recovery for about 4 or 5 years now. And I feel so alive. I feel so free. I feel so beautiful, because my Jesus tells me I am (You are all together beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you. -Song of Solomon 4:7). I have a purpose on this earth, and I will NEVER allow another second to be consumed by ED thoughts and actions. I may stumble, I may even fall, and that's okay. But I reach right back up to my Savior and let Him put me back on my feet. I am free from anorexia. I am free from body dysmorphia. I am free from depression. I am free in CHRIST.
"So if the Son sets you FREE, you are truly FREE!" -John 8:36
I could probably keep going for days and days about this. Because this is my passion. I am committed to helping as many people as possible struggling with the same issues I have struggled with, especially eating disorders. But I will leave it at this.
Today, I am a healthy 20 year old nursing student trying to make a small impact for Christ in this big world. I eat junk food. I don't workout much anymore. I enjoy cheesecake and pizza. I can enjoy life and not be consumed with an eating disorder. And hey, I can even catch baby bass ;)
If you or someone you know is struggling with ANY type of eating disorder, feel free to talk to me. It is a SERIOUS issue and you need professional help. They can and WILL kill you. So please, email me or go to the NEDA website. Your life is worth living. Don't let an eating disorder cut it short.
my email address: krd1920@aol.com
nationaleatingdisorders.org
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